My mind is the clearest is been in over 3 years. I still deal with the daily stress about finances. I still have to fight with my anxiety over the next catastrophe. I still have to baby my heart when I have a fit of sadness. The difference is that the depression and despair is no longer constant. I have longer moments of sunshine.
A new semester started a few days ago and my plate is already full with lab assignments, 25+ pages of dense reading material and projects. I’m in my zone however, my goal is to dominate this semester. My objective is to become more efficient and become more organized so that I don’t fall too far behind on my household errands and responsibilities.
I’ve finally grown accustomed to being a single woman. I’ve grown to become attached to my apartment. My bedroom is my favorite place, because it’s the warmest place for me. My divorce was finalized December 5th and that bridge I burned is lighting my path. It was a necessary destruction. I’ve found my peace of mind. I got my damn backbone out of the gutter. The fact that he thinks I’m rude and demanding only proves that bitch is back and I’m ecstatic.
This is my time to invest in myself and subsequently my children. I don’t have to devote all of my emotional bandwidth towards a human who needs the services of a psychiatrist and a therapist. I no longer have a duty to destroy myself to water a decayed tree. I can invest that time, that love and that energy to becoming a better human. I can water my own tree. I can devote more time to watering my children. Mama is happier and they notice it.
Now, I will admit that I do struggle to forgive myself. I did nothing grievous by falling in love with an enigma. I did nothing wrong with holding on for as long as I did. I am not a defective product by joining the legions of single mothers. I will not allow the stigma to define who I am, because I fucking know who I am. I do not need a man to define my worth as being married means absolutely nothing if they aren’t worth a candy shop ring.
Nevertheless, I’m curious to see how this semester unfolds. I’m curious as to see how I write the following chapters of my life. How will I overcome hurdles, personal or not.